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| Sighhhh... I don't know what's wrong with me, actually I guess I kind of do, it just doesn't seem like it should be affecting me as much as it should. Just had an awesome weekend with good people in NYC, getting my fill of dancing the night away, weirdo watching on the PATH train at 4 AM in the morning, capturing plenty of candids of people at the peak of their emotional expression, enjoying a couple (a lot) drinks with my boys (boy, heh, sorry calves, next time we'll stop a tid bit earlier, or at least pace better), and then the night got a lil interesting after that. All of a sudden I just found myself breaking down in the bathroom, then again in the car, then again on the street. Granted I already had a couple drinks in me, but all that does is release the inhibitions, and the bathroom I definitely still had my bearings, but I still couldn't stop all the pain and the hurt and the frustration and the resentment from taking over my body and I was reduced to my most vulnerable state I've been in awhile... I still can't really comprehend how it hit so quickly, although most of the day was spent avoiding the issue, so it might've just been a tea kettle effect. I just hate how much it still affects me... I hate how much seeing that smile makes me melt, I hate how much I just want to be held, I hate how amazing it feels when I'm pulled in close, I hate that I get choked up when a hand gets pulled away, I hate that I can't even look at her without cycling through every bit of the emotional spectrum, I hate how I'll never be enough... I shouldn't feel this way. I just got back from an awesome night bowling with awesome people. Every single one of them, each with awesome stories, and me free enough to just bust out in dance and song and general goofiness in the middle of the everyone. Me being me. And on a side note, every bowling alley should bump the awesomeness that was the soundtrack tonight, who would've though people still had the know how to rock Coolio's go to dance song and get your woman on the floor. I don't know if I'd feel different if I started giving myself away again, investing all of my energies onto one special person, but I don't think I could do that to the extent someone should deserve. All I know is I'm sitting here now, still feeling empty, still longing for a better time, still craving being able to look into someone's eyes and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were thinking the exact same thing that I was thinking, "How the hell did i get so lucky to find someone like you?" Sighhhh, hopefully time will help. | | |
| Hello old friend...
We've had our times, haven't we? You were here for the old J, somewhat here for the new J, which has now become a distant J, but now you'll be here for what I'm hoping is the start of an ever improving J instead of the stagnant one that has existed for the past 6 years...
I've yet to delve into what I was, but if my memory serves me correctly, it's not too distant from what I still am. Sad really, I should be stronger, faster, smarter, and bolder, but it seems that ever since I graduated high school I've just been stuck in the this never ending rut of constantly questioning where I belong.
And yet time and time again I keep coming back to the fact that never in my spiritual life was I as strong as my waning years of high school, but now I pause and think what exactly is my reasoning for thinking that I was spiritually strong? It's so long ago I can't recall exactly what I was going through at the time, but I do remember memorizing a verse a day, and feeling the indescribable joy of being able to apply those verses from time to time throughout my daily activities. But was that true joy or just the self glorification I received from my brothers and sisters upon hearing about my spiritual success?
Either way the message that I want to resound in my convoluted head is that the reason we live is to praise the one who made us. And at the same time I'm saying that it sounds so generic. I've become such a cynical bastard, excuse the language. Sighhhh, I still want to discover whatever it is that people so passionate about their love for God proclaim to be passionate about. Is it me or does it seem like pursuing God strips you of every pleasure this world has to offer? Ok, maybe not every pleasure, but 99.9% of the luxuries. Are we doomed to a life of incomplete experiences because we have to stop ourselves due to the fear of not looking "like a Christian" or are there truly stories of the best experiences happening because of complete dedication to the pursuit of God?
I don't really know where I'm headed with this, it's been awhile since I actually sat down and written whatever is popping into my head. I've definitely fallen victim to encouraging the devil to romp around freely in my idle playground, and to think of all the time I've wasted doing that and probably will continue to waste is pretty freakin annoying.
Sighh, awesome, the first verse of the day reads “Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." Mark 9:35
The verse just reitierates my sentiments on being stripped of all the luxuries in life. No one WANTS to be subservient, no one takes joy in being considered a lesser human being, and no, I'm not saying that they are lesser human beings, but the function of a servant is to serve a master, master being someone higher up on the totem pole. The more I look at this verse the more I get annoyed. Sure it's great to store up your treasures in heaven, but what about enjoying the result of the hard work that put you in a position of power?
.... sighhh... I can't even get these words out without having WWIII in my head. Be humble. Do unto others. How much easier would this religion be if these treasures in heaven could be specified just a little bit? If God could just reach down a teeny little pinky and physically pat me on the back and tell me it's going to be ok?
"I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Leads me to you
Closer to you"
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... Ain't it purty? 
Holla at me 502-264-2924 (I'm IN!)
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... my very first credit card 
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| yay...
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